Spanx to the Left

Nothing says let's go outside and enjoy the warmth of
summer like these multi-layer accessories!
I finally got over my laziness and went out and bought my first pair of Spanx.

I just couldn't deal with my left butt sag anymore. This compression tight I wear on my left leg is designed to go all the way up to that fine dividing line between butt and thigh, which is awesome for someone who carries 95% of her body fat right there. You know when you squeeze a balloon animal and one end gets big from all air? Use that as a visual for what was happening here. The garment was creating a butt lump, or what I've taken to calling The Blump. There will be no illustrative ass photos here, so use your imagination or go buy some balloons and start squeezing.
Good times.

I know far too many women who don't leave the house without their Spanx on, so I hoped they could do the mighty job of smoothing things over back there. Within 30 minutes of putting them on, I think I dislocated my downstairs lady bits. Within an hour my intestines started to cramp. And by the end of the evening I couldn't pull them off fast enough.

But like any good soul, I asked them out on a second date. We are going to have to make this relationship work for the sake of 80% of my wardrobe and the even appearance of my backside while fully dressed. At least I don't have that extra 10 inches of colon taking up space, so make room intestines! My internal organs are just going to have to take one for Team Vanity here. I've adjusted my wardrobe accordingly, and added a few maxi dresses to the closet, making my compression garment much less noticeable to anyone not paying attention, which is probably most people.

Cheers to the rest of summer, and my unevenly tanned legs.


Cheryl.mcclure@comcast.net said...

OMG I'm dying laughing! Spanx are torture! I recently discovered your blog & can relate. I was diagnosed at 42 with stage 3c colon cancer (ascending) & had a colon resection on Valentine's Day 2013, happy freakin Valentine's Day to me! I just had my sigmoid section removed on 4/24 for what they're calling a "regional reoccurrence". I don't buy it, I don't think they got it all with round 1 of chemo. It's a long story that I won't type here. I'm thoroughly enjoying your blog & being able to go "yep did that too, didn't work." Lol Sarah, you're awesome & beautiful & I hope to meet you one day!

Sarah DeBord said...

Know you are NOT ALONE in this Cheryl! Unfortunately, we're a growing team. But all we can do is tell our stories, raise awareness, and motivate people to get screened.

Cheryl said...

Thanks Sarah, because I do feel very alone. All of my so called "friends" ran for the hills when I told them I had cancer. You really do get to see people's true colors when you go thru the toughest time in your life. I've discovered that the 3 words "I have cancer" make people run in the opposite direction faster than saying "I love you". People suck & I really don't have any family support either. They're either 9 hours away, self absorbed or just don't give a crap. I went thru chemo by myself, drove myself to every treatment & still had to keep up with a now 16 year old & take care of the house & animals. I'm trying to find a cleaning person now, I just can't do it all anymore. It's not worth killing myself trying to keep up with everything. I had my first dose of Vectibix yesterday. I looked up pics of the nasty rash it is going to give me, totally freaking out & NOT looking forward to that! And it's going to probably ruin my nails (I piss my oncologist off by having fake nails (currently gels with Swarovski crystals on the tips), it's the one thing I'm vain about. lol Girl, you went thru hell this last month, I just read about the fever. I hope you're feeling better! We try to be super mom & it bites us in the butt! No pun intended! I just wish the Lomotil would work for me, I take 4 a day plus a handful of other pills (bentyl, morphine, Motrin, lomotil & Wellbutrin cocktail) & nothing works! Once again, you are awesome & thank you for what you do, it makes me feel a little less alone. Hugs!

Sarah DeBord said...

Cheryl, email me at coloncancerchick@gmail.com. I can get you connected with people that can help, and commiserate.